Weekender's Roast: Not another winter of regrets

Winter has returned to Namibia, bringing with it icy mornings, frozen toes and the annual collapse of good judgement.

Every year, we are warned about the dangers of cold weather. We are told to wear warm clothing, keep the elderly safe and avoid unnecessary travel on foggy roads.

What nobody talks about is winter's greatest threat to society: loneliness.

People who would never normally qualify for consideration suddenly become attractive because electricity is expensive and being without company feels colder in June.

Even Eve struggled with temptation. One moment she was enjoying paradise. The next, she had Cain on the way. Before long, humanity was being evicted from the Garden of Eden with no possibility of appeal. Winter has always been dangerous.

Fast forward to modern Namibia.

By September, your single friend who spent June posting motivational quotes about independence and self-love is suddenly vomiting behind the house and craving things no sane person should eat. Fresh sand from a mole hill. Charcoal. The smell of wet cement.

And when you ask what happened, she will explain that she was not looking for a relationship.

She was looking for warmth. There is a difference. Winter relationships are rarely built on love. They are built on survival. The winter boyfriend is not necessarily your type. He is simply the closest available source of body heat.

He could be the colleague whose voice irritates you during meetings. The guy from finance who chews too loud. The Herero guy who sent "Kora kandu kanje" every day for three years.

Or a Yango driver who picked you up outside Pharaoh's at 3 am and happened to own a jacket. Winter lowers standards.

The same gentleman who was described in April as a nuisance, a village idiot and a walking red flag becomes, by June, a misunderstood king who simply needs a chance. By the first week of September, the dislike returns like it had never left.

Meteorology is powerful. The problem is that winter romances have a terrible return policy. They are seasonal products. Like electric blankets and soup.

Meteorologists should study this phenomenon. What is the thermal power of this phenomenon?

Apparently, the pregnancy arrived through an administrative error.

Because whenever a visibly pregnant single woman is asked how she became pregnant, the answer is rarely straightforward. There was a misunderstanding. A moment of weakness. A lapse in judgement. A power outage. A cold front was announced by the Windhoek Met Office on NBC radio. Anything except the obvious.

And now society must raise another child conceived during what was essentially a heating arrangement.

This is why citizens are encouraged to consider alternative sources of warmth. Buy another blanket. Buy a heater. Buy firewood. Wear thermal socks and vests. Do anything except mistake body heat for destiny.

Winter is temporary. August eventually ends. Spring always arrives. But children have a remarkable tendency to stay.