The Weekender's Roast: Put down the hubbly pipes, ouens!

Namibia is covered in smoke, literally. And the old people in parliament have had enough. They want to clear the skies by banning the importation of hubbly-bubbly and vapes.

If the ban happens, we will never forgive school kids. Yes – the bloody schoolkids are why old people are getting grey hair at an alarming rate. Grade 8 Jackson is hiding behind the classroom, puffing away like a man who has just discovered the meaning of life.

Kid, you are 14. Go inside. Your English teacher is looking for you.

The MPs are right to be concerned. Girls who have had boobs for three weeks are now the ringleaders of the hubbly-smoking brigade. Walking around with hubbly pipes like they are accessories from Milan.

Then you have boys, still wet behind the ears and whose pubic hair you can count on one hand. The future ice boys puffing hubbly as if they own half of Klein Windhoek. Boy, you still need permission to go to the mall.

And the products being confiscated from learners tell their own story. There are vapes of all shapes, sizes, flavours and disguises. Some are so discreet you would think they were USB sticks. Apparently, mango ice is now more exciting than mathematics.

Some have argued that what must actually be banned is alcohol. Whisky is far more lethal than nicotine. So, given this logic and reality, why is a vape the priority for a ban rather than booze? That is the central question.

Alcohol does not even need to be smuggled into the country. It is proudly displayed under fluorescent lights at every supermarket, bottle store and shebeen from Katutura to Tseiblaagte in Keetmanshoop.

You can buy enough booze to ruin your entire weekend with the same ease with which you buy a loaf of bread. So, if we are going to have a national moral panic, let’s at least be consistent.

But, you see, the problem with this generation is that they are not choosing between hubbly and alcohol – they just dabble in both.

Hubbly in one hand. Savanna Dry in the other. Nicotine going down the lungs. Alcohol going down the throat.

This is the generation that has mastered the art of looking expensive while being completely broke. They will spend N$200 on a bottle of something with a fruit salad on the label, N$150 on shisha flavour and then ask their mother for taxi money on Monday. Priorities, ouens. Priorities.

So yes, the madalas in parliament must, by all means, have the hubbly conversation.

But they shouldn’t pretend the smoke is the whole fire. If we genuinely want to protect Namibia's young people, we need to deal with the entire ecosystem – nicotine, alcohol, drugs, peer pressure, parental neglect and the increasingly impressive creativity of teenagers determined to do exactly what adults tell them not to do.

Because banning hubbly alone might just produce a new Namibian national sport: smuggling shisha into school. And you already know that Jackson from Grade 8 will be running the operation.

He has been failing English for three years, but suddenly he will know exactly how to say, “The shandie has arrived, ouens.”

Put down the hubbly pipes, ouens. And while you’re at it, put down the Savanna too.