Ondangwa must beg God for forgiveness

Welcome to Ondangwa – the town single-handedly keeping investigative journalists, police docket printers and insurance actuaries in business. If Ondangwa were a Netflix genre, it would be 'true crime meets absurdist theatre'.

The script writes itself.

Right now, Ondangwa is the most-watched show in Namibia, and the country is running out of popcorn.

Our maize-green schemes are sleeping on a golden opportunity here.

Only in Ondangwa would you find 40 people so committed to ‘economic freedom in our lifetime’ that they thoughtfully register one frail resident for funeral cover… without his knowledge. And when he refuses to die on schedule, they allegedly fast-track the Lord’s calendar by cutting off his organs of love so that the insurance payout can fall like manna from heaven.

It’s not a crime anymore; it’s just forward planning with style. The only question left is whether the funeral cover comes with a loyalty bonus card. “Bury five, get one free.”

Then, just when you thought the plot had reached peak absurdity, enter the madala who allegedly threatened a judicial officer in a local shop with, “We will kill you”.

In a supermarket. Even the brown bread on the shelves flinched at the sheer audacity.

At this rate, security at the Ondangwa Magistrate’s Court probably rivals that of Oluno Correctional Facility – all because one pensioner couldn’t tame his tongue.

And then came the zalie who allegedly punched her husband’s side-chick so hard the situation turned fatal. Tragic beyond satire. If this is what “the future is female” looks like in the north, please beg Knowledge Katti to accommodate you at Kombat for a week while sorting out your mess. No bad news comes out of Kombat – except the occasional flooded mine.

At this rate, romance in Ondangwa would require a risk assessment form, two witnesses and a stamped affidavit from regional police commander Naftal Lungameni Sakaria. Tinder bios must include next-of-kin details. Ons is moeg!

If Babylon is the worst city in the Bible, then Ondangwa is a close second. The situation has gotten so bad that a new bypass road has been proposed so no one has to drive through that wicked place and breathe its oxygen of criminality.

At this point, we must soak Ondangwa in a bowl of dry rice and beg for forgiveness.

If the rice ritual fails, the town must escalate matters to the Creator Himself: a national day of repentance led by Bishop Dumeni. Lukas Katenda, if he’s not busy praying for the resurrection of Panduleni Itula's presidential ambitions this time, can close the event with: “God, if you exist, please spare us another headline this week.”

During these solemn prayers, all tombo outlets in Omashaka informal settlement must close. The brew must rest. Even the addicts must close their eyes in prayer – just like the rest of us.

Because at this rate, if heaven has a spam folder, Ondangwa’s name is trending.