A minister’s first date with Okuryangava Clinic

On 1 April – a date usually reserved for pranks – an honourable minister arrives at the Okuryangava Clinic with a limp. The timing is exquisite: barely 24 hours after President Netumbo Nandi-Ndaitwah effectively told Psemas members that private hospitals are now a fond memory.

There are few things more romantic than a first date. The nervous anticipation. The careful wardrobe choice. The hope that reality will match the promises made in WhatsApp chats.

Our minister arrives at the clinic dressed for resilience – comfortable, casual footwear, a belt from which his stomach hangs dangerously, and papers of previous medical treatments held under the sweaty armpit.

The first thing he encounters is not a receptionist. Not a nurse. Not a VIP entrance.

It is a queue. Not a queue in the polite, apologetic suburban tradition. This is a queue that snakes past the gate and curls around a pothole. No bodyguard: only Moses pushing his wheelbarrow of dry mealies from yesterday.

Here, queue etiquette is Darwinian. The last arrival may be the first to enter, especially if accompanied by a fake cough and the confidence of someone who fears neither germs nor consequences. “Jou ma se k***”, he shouts at those questioning his behaviour. “Dis Tura hierso, gaan terug na jou leafy suburbs!"

For the first time in adult memory, the honourable finds himself behind a grandmother who clocked in at 04:30 sharp and ahead of a man with a camping chair. The grandmother monitors her pulse. The minister monitors his dignity evaporate in the scorching sun – because he didn’t know he had to come with an umbrella.

After three hours, the minister tries to gently explain who they are. The queue responds with the warmth of a broken freezer. Rank here is determined by arrival time, not by Cabinet portfolio.

Eventually, entry is achieved. The doors did not open automatically. Only a shove that would have floored Jacques Burger in a rugby contest swung it wide.

Inside, the air is a layered experience: antiseptic, damp files, and the faint perfume of baby poo. It smells like a budget speech that promised glory during Richard Kamwi’s time and was then quietly shoved under Luvindao’s office chair.

By the sixth hour – after completing forms that require information already provided on other forms – the minister finally reaches the pharmacy window.

That is it. The climax. The triumphant resolution of a long administrative pilgrimage.

The pharmacist does not look up – not immediately. When she does, it is with the tranquil authority of someone who has mastered acceptance.

The medicine is – of course – out of stock.

This is the same minister who had once described supply chain chaos as a minor alignment issue. Now he is served the concoction of his own medicine – the pills of empty rhetoric.

He blinks. The pharmacist blinks back. The grandmother from 04:30 collects her diabetes pills and departs like a seasoned champion.

The honourable briefly considers calling his family doctor. Then he remembers the new rules. Public servants must use public facilities.

Outside, the mielie vendor is doing brisk business. The queue has not shortened, it has reproduced.

When the minister finally emerges – untreated but deeply oriented in the realities of his new world – something has shifted.

The long queues are no longer an abstract statistic. The medicine shortage – no longer a line item. The smell of baby poo – no longer a rumour.

It is real. It clings to his suit. It lingers in his hair. It follows him back into the black Mercedes-Benz like a policy memo demanding attention. Happy April Fools!