A condom in 1946 would have prevented all this

History occasionally turns on grand moments: revolutions, assassinations, declarations of independence. But sometimes the fate of civilisation hinges on something far simpler – a piece of latex that wasn’t used.

For example, had someone, somewhere in New York in 1946, exercised the modest foresight of purchasing a condom, the world might have been spared the geopolitical circus that is the second presidency of Donald Trump.

The possibilities are breathtaking. No airstrikes that double as political decapitations. No foreign leaders being kidnapped like extras in a low-budget Netflix action movie. No global diplomacy conducted like a drunken bar fight where the loudest guy insists volume equals wisdom.

And yet, here we are. Without condoms and with the morning-after pill decades from being invented, fertilisation got the memo – and so did the wrath of The Donald.

In the span of weeks, the world has watched the United States effectively abduct Nicolás Maduro from Venezuela in a military operation, whisking him out of his own country like a tourist who overstayed his visa and forgot to pay the minibar.

Not long after, Iran’s supreme leader Ali Khamenei was killed in a joint US–Israeli airstrike that analysts now politely call “decapitation warfare”. It’s an academic way to avoid saying “state-sponsored assassination”.

In Trump’s world, diplomacy is no longer about negotiation. It’s about who has the biggest d*ck.

Foreign policy has basically become a franchise model: “Regime change – now opening near you!”

First Venezuela. Then Iran. At this rate, every president on Earth is quietly digging a bunker, prime ministers are updating their life insurance policies, and Cyril Ramaphosa is probably googling “how to look like a normal guy from Gugulethu”.

Hendrik Verwoerd must be dancing in his grave.

The logic seems beautifully simple. If you don’t like a foreign leader – particularly the brown-skinned variety – simply remove them and plant a puppet. In Venezuela, Delcy Rodríguez has been twerking for The Donald since replacing her boss, Maduro.

The irony in all this – the thick, creamy, cholesterol-inducing irony – is that Trump built his political career ranting about endless wars and American interventionism.

Now his second term looks like a geopolitical remake of Grand Theft Auto: Planet Earth.

One standout beneficiary of Trump’s father apparently forgetting the existence of condoms is Israel, which under The Don’s supervision seems to have received what diplomats politely call “strategic latitude” and what everyone else calls a licence to kill.

International law? Optional. The United Nations? Decorative.

The Geneva Conventions? F*ck all of them!

The message is simple: if you’re in Washington’s WhatsApp group chat, congratulations – consequences no longer apply.

But the most contagious export of Trump’s second presidency is not missiles.

It’s ideology.

The racist, conspiratorial, grievance-fuelled right-wing movement that once lurked in the darker corners of internet comment sections is now strutting across Western politics like it owns the building and just fired the security guards.

Across Europe and the Americas, politicians are copying the MAGA playbook: blame immigrants – even when all of the cult leaders' wives are foreigners.

Blame journalists, blame minorities, and if all else fails, blame "globalists" – which is code for whatever conspiracy theory is trending that week.

Trump didn’t just normalise the politics of resentment. He franchised it.

And of course, when Washington sneezes, even countries like ours catch the flu.

In Namibia, Trump let penises hang loose. Intact with their foreskin because all aid for voluntary medical male circumcision was cut. Somewhere out there, a few foreskins are quietly celebrating their unexpected survival. All because Fred Trump forgot to buy a condom.