The joys of an extended family

I have always wondered how people that have nucleus family set-ups without the thrills and awe provided by distant relatives survive. Seriously, what fun is there in driving home after work to a gated community where your dog is not even allowed to bark? Well, I guess those are some of the perks that come with being rich. I mean, in a rich couple’s home, a husband comes home, grabs the newspaper and hides behind it. The wife, on the other hand, is glued to her favourite DStv channel – something to do with ‘How not to die a pauper’ or ‘How to get rich in seven days’. Their seven-year-old son is in his room tapping away at the controls of a PlayStation, while the teenage daughter chats on her iPhone, tweets with her Blackberry and facebooks on the Apple laptop. Eish, I wonder what has happened to good old fairytales at night with granny and the whole family? I bet the average modern father does not know a single fairytale to save his skin. Trust me, we all need a little drama in the form of an extended family. Ok, let’s face it; all that those aunts and uncles from the village do when they come to town is finish your monthly groceries in record time and complain about everything, from the way you raise your children to your manner of walking! But truth be told; the drama that always manifests itself when Aunt Ripuree and Uncle Japie visit is totally out of this world. The other day Uncle Japie arrived out of nowhere with Aunt Ripuree. They just turned up and demanded that the kids show them where they would be sleeping. When my partner and I got home, Aunt Rips, as we know her, was cooking up a storm! My partner did not take kindly to that; I mean, it’s her house and she ought to decide when the family eats chicken and when we have to do with Kainjas – a delicacy this side of the great divide! Thanks to Aunt Rips’a actions, I had to endure another night of “I have a headache, honey”. My good uncle, for his part, thought my children were too weak and overfed. “These kids will never be able to chase lambs into the kraal. Can they even ride a horse? I bet they can’t. Just look at them,” he complained. “But Uncle Japie, they were raised in town – hence their apparent inability to ride a horse, which, if you ask me, should not be a death sentence,” I interjected. “Just listen to this one. So you think it is proper for your kids to be the laughing stock of the entire village due to their physical weakness?” “No, not at all. On the contrary, shouldn’t intellectual strength – like the ability to show humility, leadership and prudent decision-making skills – count more than brute strength?” Those were the last words exchanged between me and my uncle for the night. He went over to the kids’ room and told them his “when I was young” tales in which he is always the hero. I was told Uncle Japie never lifted a rifle in his life and that he once fled into the house and hid behind Aunt Rips when he mistook a neighbour’s dog for a lion. Yet, he is always the hero in his own tales. But you gotta give it to the old chap – I have never seen Aunt Rips crying. She say she’d rather have ‘Bang Jan’ (coward man) than ‘Dooie Jan’ (dead man). Well, I don’t know about that – my partner would never have a ‘Bang Jan’ at all! At times she would call me in a middle of an argument she is having with some muscular dude and say, “Honey, he just shoved me in the chest.” Being the smart boy my mom raised, I would always say, “OK, I hear that, darling. But what did you say to him before he shoved you?” Trust me, dear friends, a woman will get you beaten up for the slightest reason – always ask first and make your judgement based on that. Until then… [email protected]