Nollywood rocks for real!

I am a die-hard fan of Nollywood! But my love for Nigerian movies set aside, a lot of questions on these classic entertainment 'crowd pullers' always linger in my mind.

For instance, do they eat anything else other than rice in Nigeria? Imagine telling a Nigerian movie director to put anything else on the menu for a dinning family set. I bet you would be forced to find out sooner if there is life after death!

"Mr Amaka, why don't we try anything else other than rice?” – You would ask.

At that moment, everyone in the set will turn to you in disbelief, mouths wide open - women softly murmuring amongst themselves, and the men shaking their heads in awe at what they have just heard.

For the untrained mind, this scene is the Namibian equivalent to those boys from Dollam asking you for N$1, and you have the audacity to say you do not have any!

I bet some old man - who was initially cast as an extra, will force his way forward, tightly shake your hand, and with a tear in his eye whisper "It shall be well with you, my son…" That will be the equivalent of the catholic, "…bless your soul" as in preparing to send you to meet your creator.

My personal favourite is watching a Nollywood action movie! When they arrest our hero for the wrong reason and he is taken to jail - I rejoice in the moment for I know my favourite part is unfolding. This usually comes in the form of the arresting officers.

These guys - usually around three to four - arrive on foot to take this supposedly dangerous suspect away! If the suspect is a wealthy business man, they would first knock, accept the offer for “something to drink” and watch TV in the meantime, while the rich man is preparing to go to jail upstairs.

They literally allow the man to pack his toothbrush, clean linen and fresh towels before he comes down the stairs to the living room to be escorted to the police station. Since the law enforcers arrived on foot, they get into the wealthy business man's car and they all shake and nod their heads to the awesome African tunes of Luchiana "100%" Mombulu all the way to the police station.

Once there, the business man - usually named Ikechukwu, or 'Pot of Gold', is dragged out of the car! At that point I am sitting in front of my telly - totally confused and in awe, asking my wife if I missed something! Like, were they not just jiving nicely together a moment ago? Mind you, he is not resisting arrest, nor is he back-chatting - but he is constantly told to "Shut up, my friend"…" I no gone tell you one more to shut up your mouth (This is my last warning for you to shut up)…".

To make matters worse, these same police officers, who were a moment ago only too happy to ride in a suspect's top class Mercedes Benz ML, would be carrying AK-47 Assault rifles to arrest 'Mama Ikebu', who allegedly stole her neighbour's 'ngari' (spinach dish) to feed her hungry children. They will drag her kicking and screaming self to the police station - usually less than a minute's walk from the suspect's house.

It is only in Nigerian movies that the expression I love you is a question! The man, who finally gets the opportunity to express his true feelings to the lady of his dreams will hold her hand, look her in the yeas and say "I love you Catherine…huhhhhh? Come on now, I tell you I love you now…hmmmmmm…" And they say Herero men are not romantic enough?

I am yet to see a Nigerian movie where the woman rushes upstairs to pack before leaving her matrimonial home. All they do is collect two large suitcases from the lounge and off they go! Ja, for a Nigerian movie, that is Morse code for "I am gone, Charlie. I have just dumped you. This is the moment where you cry your heart out and turn to boozing in the attempt to forget me…"

Well, they do have flaws - but who doesn't?

Until then...

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