Funny Facebook statuses

I'm at an age where when I see a guy with a hot body and I think: Man, I just want to place a sleeping infant in those arms and go take a nap. I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes. When you put your hand out the window on the highway, make sure you're making a fist. That way, when a bug hits your hand, you're actually punching it at 70km/h. I wish the minutes after hitting the snooze button lasted as long as microwave minutes. Your mom jokes are old and stretched out. Just like your mom. I think it's good that these high school kids keep asking celebrities to be their matric dance dates. Let them learn early that life is disappointing. Okay let's be honest. The only thing worse than seeing a spider in your house, is losing a spider in your house. I like when Google answers my stupid questions because it means I'm not the only one asking Google stupid questions. Toilet paper is a perfect example of how you don't know what you got until it's gone . For every photo a girl posts of herself, there are 27 others in the exact same pose that weren't quite good enough. I get as much action as a white crayon. Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning. Is it okay to ask a very pregnant librarian if she's overdue? The surest way to laugh harder is to try and explain why you're laughing in the first place. I trust Google Maps more than I trust most people. Evening news is where they begin with saying good evening , and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. If you want to see exactly how angry a person can get, tell them to calm down when they're already upset. On the seventh day, while God was resting, Satan created the Kardashian family. My wife is going to the hair salon today. For the next few hours I'll be practicing my reaction. Everyone suffering from diseases and natural disasters: hang in there. We are liking Facebook posts as fast as we can. You know you drank too much when you went to bed with Marilyn Monroe, but woke up with Marilyn Manson. At this point, it's impossible to keep calm and remember to do all the things those signs tell us to do. If you need Facebook to remind you it's your wife's birthday, I hope you own a comfortable couch. I can't unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life. After saying, what? three times, you just have to agree.