When breaking up is deadly

Many stories that made headlines in the local media this year, and many others, included those of gender-based violence (GBV) and intimate partner killings.

Statistics have shown that out of four women, one is likely to have, or will experience, GBV and it is estimated that one out of five women are in an abusive relationship.

With the many reports in the media, one tends to ask why the survivors did not leave earlier. The answer is not that easy.

This week tjil looks at how one can leave an abusive relationship alive; how friends and community members can help and what the entertainment industry is doing to combat this social scourge.

tjil spoke to expert in the field of GBV and technical director in the Office of the First Lady, Veronica Theron, who broke down the signs of impending violence and the reactions that can counteract GBV.

She is currently working on a booklet to help people to know warning signs and where they can get help. The root of GBV

According to the human rights library website, violence against women is a persistent and universal problem occurring in every culture and social group.

GBV includes physical, sexual and psychological violence such as domestic violence; sexual abuse, including rape and sexual abuse of children by family members or neighbours, and/or forced pregnancy. Around the world, at least one in every three women has been beaten, coerced into sex, or otherwise abused in her lifetime - most often by someone she knows.

Theron however says this is false as GBV is a learned behaviour which happens over time. She says there are many cases reported where perpetrators are not alcohol drinkers. GVB, on occasion, occurs when the perpetrator has gone through abuse in their life such as psychological and physical abuse, and neglect. This is, according to her, because they are angry that they end up taking out on their partners.

“If for instance a boy child grows up in a house where the father mistreated the mother, then this is what he will do too. The main reasons include when women and children are treated like property, entitlement and cultural or traditional norms… these are all contributing factors,” she said.

Red flags

Theron says traits to pick up from your partner that could be a sign of danger is when they tend to be secretive about their past relationships or personal relationships, such as their family. Another red flag will be their temper.

For instance, if one comes home five minutes later than usual and their partner explodes. Another red flag of an abusive relationship is excessive jealousy where the partner restricts you from seeing certain people like family members or long-term friends; they want to tell you what to wear or what to say and to whom.

Theron says a perpetrator's true colours are likely to come out once they have successfully cut the survivor's support system and when no else is in their reach to help them.

The last typical warning about an abusive relationship will be a split or dual personality and this includes when a partner is as gentle as a lamb, someone who is loving and caring and in the same space suddenly turn into a lion, a dangerous person.

“You will notice these people are extremely good at the blame game and they are very controlling too. You will find you have been with the person for a while yet they have never mentioned their mother to you, or the fact that they have been divorced. These partners like to target and break down supportive relationships because they know the survivor is likely to run to them when something happens in the relationship,” said Theron.

Theron says after picking up the red flags one should immediately get professional help from a social worker to facilitate them getting out of the situation. She couldn't however exactly pin down as to when one must leave as each case is unique and they all have different merits. She says if one picks up the warning signs, brings up the subject of a third party to intervene and their partner agrees to getting the help, then one could stay.

“Leaving is the most dangerous point in a relationship and one must expect violence to erupt. The moment you get shoved or slapped you need to get professional help from a person that can read the signs to find out whether the abusive partner could change or not. These are signs one cannot know if they don't have the skills which professionals have.

The professional will then work on a safety plan which also differs from case to case, for one to work their way out of the relationship,” she said.



How to support a friend coming out of an abusive relationship

Theron admits to many survivors not taking the fact that their lives are in danger seriously and thus, are quick to return to their abusive partners.

Friends and relatives must always have emergency numbers at hand and skeleton dockets are opened with the police or social workers. Should you be aware of a friend or colleague who could be a survivor of GBV Theron says there are a number of ways one can provide help by alerting the police or social workers anonymously.

“People don't want to go to GBV units because of the stigma because there could be a person they know that works there. Some are generally shy because this is not something to be proud of. We must think of out the box when we want to help someone,” she said.

Centres to reach out to for help

There are different ministries and non-profit organisations where one can report or tip off incidences of GBV.

The health ministry strictly works with adult survivors whereas the gender ministry works with minors. Shelters like Friendly Haven have satellite officers that people can walk into to report or seek help. Theron says from research conducted, many survivors reach out to friends and family who become the first contact.

She advises those that are close to survivors to always have emergency contact numbers and information. Survivors, both male and female, can also go to the Namibian police Gender-Based Violence Investigation Division.

Activism in the arts industry

A group of local art enthusiasts consisting of makeup artist Renate Shikongo, designer SynEndgy and photographer Tuva Wolf have taken a stance against GBV by running a photograph campaign. Their pictures portray women who have been abused, making the statement that GBV does not discriminate. The pictures that went viral on social media seem to have gotten the issue attention and had many engaging on the matter.

Shikongo, who has worked on a couple of projects with her makeup skills in the past, said it was all about creating awareness as many times perpetrators seem to be normal on the streets but become something else behind closed doors.

“There might be a person in an abusive relationship but they might not know it and we, as artists, could come up with plays or pieces of work showing the different types of abuse.

Artists can take part in awareness campaigns by doing storylines, poems, or artworks that can show that we are all affected and we all have the power to change the scenario,” she says.

Designer Simeone of SynEndgy calls for designers use all platforms necessary as a medium to influence change and create an important dialogue which will change the mindset of society. He says it's very important for designers to realise that they are afforded a huge platform of access to the stories of different people, from all facets of life and must use it. Simeone, who is passionate about the art of fashion and storytelling, said he took the opportunity to combine the two things that he is most passionate about to raise awareness.

“There are so many issues we are faced with as a society and we need to find more innovative ways to raise awareness. I believe that mixing fashion and photography is captivating without necessarily losing the initial narrative,” he said.

Simeone says arts in general could be a contributing factor to GBV but he says life is what one makes of it and they have the choice to do what's right or wrong.

There's a huge debate on whether pop culture influences people behaviour, especially children, in a negative way.

This may be true, but then again, many of us, especially those who abuse their partners, are mature enough and can draw the line between wrong and right. The issue is more psychological then we'd like to admit.

They say, everyone has a good wolf and a bad wolf; it's up to you to figure out which one to feed,” he said. - Campaign photographs by Tuva Wolf

June Shimuoshili