Seeing God's glory through my tears

From 2019 to 2022, I obsessively tried to fulfil the 1 Timothy 2:1 and James 5:16 instructions to pray and intercede for others, but my execution was about showing off to God that I was a praying woman – mother, girlfriend, then wife, sister, daughter, friend, prayer warrior, etc.Today I’m sharing my struggles in connecting with God in prayer and how I overcame them by His grace.January 2023In January 2023, I needed emotional and spiritual healing, but I felt disconnected from God.How?Because I realised that for years I prayed TO Him but I didn’t have a personal relationship WITH Him.Where did I go wrong?I embarrassingly didn’t love God with my all (contrary to Mark 12:30), but I loved what He did for me.Naturally confident, I thought that I loved myself, but I forgot to give myself quality love first before expressing it to the next person (contrary to Mark 12:31).I wanted God to see how well I could love and honour others above myself (Romans 12:10) – because I wanted to earn His recognition and His love too – even in prayer matters.Biblical examples of personal prayersDavid, a great king but equally a flawed human, wasn’t shy to pray for himself (see Psalms), and he was considered ‘a man after God’s heart’ (1 Samuel 13:14).In John 17, Jesus Christ prayed for Himself, His disciples, and His church and again for Himself in Matthew 26:39.Apostle Paul (2 Corinthians 12:8) and Jabez (1 Chronicles 4:10) also prayed for themselves.Yet I had an unbiblical notion that praying for myself was wrong.Before January 2023, I thought that God would – ‘reject, punish or judge me for praying for my personal desires’ –.I now know that was an orphan spirit influencing me because the ‘fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control’ (Galatians 5:22-23).‘God is love’ (1 John 4:8), His love never failed me (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) and He wanted a relationship with me.But I felt unworthy of His love.Why?Because I was unaware of little rooms that stopped me from genuinely connecting with myself, others and ultimately with Him as my Heavenly Father.Confronting the little roomsOn 15 January 2023, Pastor Clive Willemse of DFC Namibia said “there are some of you who have built up little rooms where you don’t let God in”.While waving the flag during worship, I fell on my knees, tears running and wholly undignified, I found myself screaming “God, I want to matter to You, I need to matter to You, I also matter to You, I need You to make me feel like I matter to You because I am not just Your creation, I am Your daughter!”I humbly, yet courageously, prayed: “Dear God, I’m angry with You because I have given up everything to live for your glory. I’m going through a divorce and I don’t know who I am anymore and I want to matter to You as a person. Please enter the room where I feel like You rejected me, where I feel like You ignored my prayers, where I feel like You’re showing up for everyone but me.... Please enter the room where I’m deeply embarrassed because I feel like a failed prayer warrior, wife and mother.... Please enter the room where I feel deep pain, rejection, shame, failure, feelings of disgrace and that back room where I reject myself. Please forgive me.”I confessed my sins, repented and tearfully begged God for forgiveness. Repentance reconciled me to my Heavenly Father (2 Corinthians 7:9) and I forgave anyone that hurt me, whom I hurt and myself too. I received mercy and grace (Exodus 34:6-7) as Lord Jesus lit up every little room.He had patiently waited for my whole heart (Mark 12:30 and Jeremiah 29:12-14) and I finally whispered, “Heavenly Father, please heal me, transform me and reveal to me what I carry”.I finally saw His glory through my tears.My healing and transformation prayers included ‘Yolanda, I deserve your love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control’ (Galatians 5:22-23).Today, I walk tall, with a bold understanding of “knowing whose I am, who I am and I’m not afraid of who I am and what I carry.”I still pray for others, but I don’t leave myself out of the conversation.*I welcome your comments, inputs, queries or concerns. Kindly address them to spirit.soul.body24@gmail.com

Seeing God's glory through my tears

Comments

Namibian Sun 2025-07-04

Please login to leave a comment

Seeing God's glory through my tears

Comments

Namibian Sun 2025-07-04

Please login to leave a comment

Login