Ozonḓu Chronicles: Winter boyfriend applications are officially open

It’s sooo cold, and I’ve officially decided I need a winter boyfriend.

Applications are now open.

Minimum requirements:

• Must come with a girlfriend allowance. Love is beautiful, but so are surprise deposits.

• Must be tall. I need to feel protected, and also I can’t be borrowing jerseys from someone I can look down on literally.

• Dark. Because… yes. Melanin is so beautiful.

• Full of truths. If your favourite hobby is lying, kindly continue scrolling.

• CEO vibes. I don’t necessarily need you to own a company, but I do need ambition, discipline, and a calendar that’s busier than your excuses.

• Single. Properly single. Not “we’re figuring things out", not “she lives in another town", and not "It's complicated". I don’t do group projects.

• Chalant… about me. Please retire this nonchalant epidemic. Reply to my texts. Miss me. Be excited to see me. Romance isn’t dead; some of you are just lazy.

• Must smell expensive. If I hug you, I want to remember your fragrance for the next three business days.

• Must communicate like an adult. I’m too grown to be decoding “K” and disappearing acts.

• Must be funny. If you can’t make me laugh, winter will already do enough crying for both of us.

• Must be good in bed. We’re adults. Chemistry matters. Let’s not be out here conducting unnecessary experiments.

• Must be able to put up with my crazy… I am a writer who mostly lives in my head. Do with that information what you will.

Benefits include:

Unlimited conversations, random memes, unwavering support, elite company, and someone who’ll hype you up like you’ve just won an Oscar.

Contract duration: Winter

Renewal: Based on performance review.

Probation period: Two dates.

Performance bonuses: To be discussed, but let’s just say you will have endless oral support, wink wink.

Please note: Background checks will be conducted. Character references from your exes are encouraged. Ghosters, professional heartbreakers, and “I’m not ready for a relationship” specialists need not apply.

Thank you for your interest. Shortlisted candidates will be contacted.