Valentine’s Day is a trap

Gents, after surviving the 50 days of JanuWorry, February is meant to be a recovery month. A month of financial physiotherapy. A month where you walk slowly past shops and whisper “next time”.

But instead, February arrives with a chair and hits us in the face.
Right there, in the middle of the month – when men are surviving on vibes, debt and memories of money they abused in December – Valentine’s Day ambushes us. Nobody invited it. Nobody voted. It just arrives like an unemployed relative.

First comes the reminder that it is a man’s duty to provide. Not to love. Not to care. To provide. We live in a generation where a chocolate bar is no longer romance; it is a declaration of emotional bankruptcy. If you don’t fold banknotes into decorative flower bouquets, you are accused of hating women. But banknotes from where in the middle of February? From prayer, fasting or ancestors? Apparently, romance in 2026 is origami with legal tender.

I have a plan, gents. A simple plan. A righteous, flawless plan. Be unavailable on the day.
Tell her you were arrested the previous night for driving under the influence of alcohol. If she asks to visit you in the cells, calmly explain that you were blindfolded – as punishment for refusing to bribe the officers – and therefore cannot tell which exact station you’re held at. “It sounds like Otjomuise police station, but don’t drive yet.”

For men who don’t drink alcohol, please improvise. Creativity is free, unlike roses.

Some of us will be attending the Men's Conference.

A sacred gathering. A mythical congregation of men who show up for sex but mysteriously disappear when the financial bill arrives. This year, we are meeting in Kigali. If you don’t believe us, that’s on you. Trust is important in relationships.
The theme for this year’s event is historic: 'We owe them nothing. We give them nothing.'

Any man found replying to a request for money with the dangerous phrase “I will see what I can do” will be immediately expelled from the conference and flown back to his woman. He will be required to look her directly in the eyes and explain exactly what he was doing in Kigali. Carry your own cross, silly man. 

This year’s conference promises growth. Topics include budgeting avoidance, selective hearing and my personal favourite, 'Benefits of non-verbal communication in a polygamous marriage' – a masterclass in silence.
We leave on the 12th and return on the 15th. Our phones will be off. Our wallets will be safe. Our stories will be inconsistent.
Stay vigilant, gents. Valentine’s Day is a trap.