When America meets Namibia…
I was disappointed to learn that a vast majority of Namibians, including yours truly, have not visited all corners of this beautiful country. I mean, if you have a man like Tjeripo for a friend - your weekend itinerary is clear-cut; Windhoek-Gobabis-Okombepera-Gobabis-Windhoek!
Of course, before you leave the great capital, you would do well to pass by Herero Mall with your Isuzu bakkie loaded with mesh wire, corrugated iron sheets and bales of livestock feed. Ja, to the untrained eye, this resembles a wealthy man - equated with one with a farm of his own.
Once there, you take your time to order a large plate of stew and Castello for the road. If people inquire as to the load on your bakkie, be modest and say “It's just a few things for my third farm.”
In any case, my lack of knowledge of Namibia's sights and scenes made me think twice about acting as a tour guide for a visiting friend from the States. Okay, here is what happened; she landed at Hosea Kutako International Airport and requested to be taken around the country.
I knew at the back of my mind that my dear friend Shirley, who never had to tie her own shoelaces, thought of Africa as a place where she would give a monkey a high-five, or have a group hug with the Big Five.
Our conversation, as I took her around the country could not really be classified as the epitome of our journey:
“So does it ever get windy in Africa? I have seen on TV that it never rains here, so how do the plants grow?” she asked me at one point.
“We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die,” I responded
“But I will be able to see elephants in the street, right?”
“Depends on how much you´ve been drinking.”
“I see. What if want to walk from Oshakati to Lüderitz - can I follow the railroad tracks?”
“Sure, it´s only two thousand kilometres - take lots of water.”
I thought she had caught onto my sarcasm by now, but alas she dropped another one!
“Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Okakarara?”
I tried again, “So it´s true what they say about people from Texas? You have seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, right?”
“Charlie, you shouldn't get offended. I just want to know stuff about your country. For instance, are there any ATMs in Namibia? Can you compile me a list of them in Windhoek, Tsumeb, Swakopmund and Oshakati?”
“What the hell? Tell me, what did your last slave die of?”
“Okay, I get it. What about some information about kangaroo racing in Swakopmund?”
“Shirley, Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it, sure, the kangaroo racing is every Tuesday night in Mondesa township. Come naked.”
“Okay, I get it, but tell me this; can I bring cutlery into Namibia?”
“Why,” I asked, “... just use your fingers like we do.”
We were turning into Opuwo when she asked “Will we get to see the Vienna Boys Choir in action?”
“Shirley, you are not listening. Okay, let me put it this way; Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Mondesa, straight after the kangaroo races. Come naked.”
I must have finally gotten through to her – there was a great deal of silence for a long time. As we drove out of Opuwo later that day, HARD TALK however commenced!
“Charlie, would you give me a list of all doctors in Namibia who can dispense rattlesnake serum?
“Rattlesnakes, Shirley, are found in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Namibian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. And in case you are wondering whether we celebrate Christmas, yes we do – at Christmas. As for killer bees, no, we do not have them in Namibia – but we can import them for you.”
We continued the rest of the journey in peaceful harmony, as I silently sing the late Uncle Jay Kaujeua's tune – “It's good to be back home”.
Until then...
[email protected]
Of course, before you leave the great capital, you would do well to pass by Herero Mall with your Isuzu bakkie loaded with mesh wire, corrugated iron sheets and bales of livestock feed. Ja, to the untrained eye, this resembles a wealthy man - equated with one with a farm of his own.
Once there, you take your time to order a large plate of stew and Castello for the road. If people inquire as to the load on your bakkie, be modest and say “It's just a few things for my third farm.”
In any case, my lack of knowledge of Namibia's sights and scenes made me think twice about acting as a tour guide for a visiting friend from the States. Okay, here is what happened; she landed at Hosea Kutako International Airport and requested to be taken around the country.
I knew at the back of my mind that my dear friend Shirley, who never had to tie her own shoelaces, thought of Africa as a place where she would give a monkey a high-five, or have a group hug with the Big Five.
Our conversation, as I took her around the country could not really be classified as the epitome of our journey:
“So does it ever get windy in Africa? I have seen on TV that it never rains here, so how do the plants grow?” she asked me at one point.
“We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die,” I responded
“But I will be able to see elephants in the street, right?”
“Depends on how much you´ve been drinking.”
“I see. What if want to walk from Oshakati to Lüderitz - can I follow the railroad tracks?”
“Sure, it´s only two thousand kilometres - take lots of water.”
I thought she had caught onto my sarcasm by now, but alas she dropped another one!
“Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Okakarara?”
I tried again, “So it´s true what they say about people from Texas? You have seen the Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, right?”
“Charlie, you shouldn't get offended. I just want to know stuff about your country. For instance, are there any ATMs in Namibia? Can you compile me a list of them in Windhoek, Tsumeb, Swakopmund and Oshakati?”
“What the hell? Tell me, what did your last slave die of?”
“Okay, I get it. What about some information about kangaroo racing in Swakopmund?”
“Shirley, Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle-shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it, sure, the kangaroo racing is every Tuesday night in Mondesa township. Come naked.”
“Okay, I get it, but tell me this; can I bring cutlery into Namibia?”
“Why,” I asked, “... just use your fingers like we do.”
We were turning into Opuwo when she asked “Will we get to see the Vienna Boys Choir in action?”
“Shirley, you are not listening. Okay, let me put it this way; Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Mondesa, straight after the kangaroo races. Come naked.”
I must have finally gotten through to her – there was a great deal of silence for a long time. As we drove out of Opuwo later that day, HARD TALK however commenced!
“Charlie, would you give me a list of all doctors in Namibia who can dispense rattlesnake serum?
“Rattlesnakes, Shirley, are found in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All Namibian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets. And in case you are wondering whether we celebrate Christmas, yes we do – at Christmas. As for killer bees, no, we do not have them in Namibia – but we can import them for you.”
We continued the rest of the journey in peaceful harmony, as I silently sing the late Uncle Jay Kaujeua's tune – “It's good to be back home”.
Until then...
[email protected]
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