Preach, Pastor Tjeripo, preach!

You have never lived until you witness a village pastor going about his Sunday routine! Eish, these men of the cloth just know how to move you – so much so that you would be seeing the gates of heaven opening up for you and Jesus calling out your name. I always make sure I am the first under the tree that has now come to be known as ‘our church’, so that I do not miss a word the pastor says as he preaches the gospel. My good friend Tjeripo was of course always in tow – he is not much of a believer but he reckons it’s either Jesus or Mma Mutlkasi, our local Sangoma. Thank God he chose the first option! Tjeripo grew so much in faith that he was last weekend asked to stand in for the local village pastor, after the elderly man of the cloth was taken ill. I had to give in and allow my learned friend to lead us to the Promised Land – or at least die trying. I had my reservations at first – I mean, Tjeripo’s knowledge of the Bible is as good as an Eskimo’s desert survival instincts! Tjeripo confidently opened his sermon with a quote from John 3:16, which talks about the importance of repentance. That was easy, I thought – I mean, if you haven’t heard of that piece of scripture before – you probably never held a Bible in your hands. As Tjeripo went on with his sermon, I could see a sister going almost crazy with admiration and willingly helping my friend with his sermon. For instance, every time Tjeripo said, “Congregation, the time for change is now. Repent now,” she would shout: “AMEN, AMEN, AMEN, HALLELUJAH, LORD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME - ALL THE TIME LORD IS GOOD!” As she says this, she would jump onto the edge of her seat with eyes closed, and raise her right hand as if attempting to wave down a speeding taxi. Eish, I could almost swear I heard her say “Amen” when Tjeripo asked, “Who wants to go to hell?” The same sister could also be seen frequenting the cloakroom, especially when Tjeripo preached about the “power of a woman”, and how women won the battle in biblical times. Her high heels (didn’t know you could wear those to church) produced a deafening noise as she made the cloakroom her second sermon venue! Dear friends, if you always wanted to show off your new outfit and never got the chance to do it, the church is just the place where you can outsmart them all. Gone are the days when going to church meant wearing oversized long skirts and ‘formal’ shoes; the modern church has seemingly carved a clothing niche for itself and long skirts do not feature on the list! Let’s face it, if you have some classy outfits in your wardrobe and you are not a business executive, chances are your outfits will turn into moth food lest you do something about it. Anyway, my brother Tjeripo was spitting salvation – he was surely moving souls up there. I could see a granny here and an uncle there slowly nodding in agreement. Ja, that’s how I know my friend – he is never afraid to take a leap of faith. After the service, an old uncle called us to one side, thanked Tjeripo and pushed a scribbled note into his hands before disappearing. We slowly unfolded the note, and studied its content … 1. Next time sip rather than gulp the wine hidden below the pulpit 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10 4. We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T” 5. The recommended grace before meals is not “Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub. Yeah God!” 6. We do not refer to Our Saviour Jesus and his disciples as ‘J.C. and the Boys’ 7. David slew Goliath; he did not “kick the crap out of him”. 8. Last, but not least, The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred to as “Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook”. On a scale of 1 to 10, I guess my good friend failed dismally – but he converted quite a few souls that Sunday! Until then… [email protected]