Let's talk about sex, baby

Let me take you back, before the invention of the iPhone and Google. The Rhythm and Blues group Salt n Pepa released a song with the famous line: "Let's talk about sex baby, let's talk about you and me". Listening to this song made me realise two things: the first being that I was getting old. The second was that one day, God willing, I would be someone's father. Either by choice or accident - I'd prefer it to be the former. So how am I going to explain to this unborn child of mine when he or she utters the phrase: "Daddy, where do babies come from?" The perfect response would go something like this "Here's my iPad, why don't you Google it?" But that got me thinking, how do you talk to kids about sex? Better yet, how did our parents do it? My aunt took the "stay away from girls approach", which works if you stay away from girls but for a handsome chap like myself staying away from girls is impossible (excuse the ego rubbing). In the African household there are two things you don't do; the first is talking back and back-chatting elders, you would get the saliva slapped out of your mouth. The second is discussing taboo topics, e.g. why kids get to eat meat last and sex, so basically what I'm saying is that our parents shied away from talking about it. They had good reason to: nothing is more awkward, except maybe trying to buy condoms. Howeve, with the invention of the World Wide Web, Google and the iPhone, it has never been easier for kids to access information. Trust me when I say that if you don't talk to children and explain then they will find out from Uncle Google or, worse, from their friends via Google. Something that parents always complain about is that as children grow older the channels of communication clog up, their children stop talking to them. Trust me; if children suddenly start liking their parents then sell everything you own because the world's about to end. You know how when men buy something that requires assembling, e.g. a TV shelf; we never, ever read the manual - that's how growing kids think (especially teenagers). What happens to communication channels between kids and parents is that as kids grow up they spend more time at school and with their friends. It becomes easier to talk to friends than to parents, the little cute toddlers turn into teenage monsters that hate doing their chores and find their parents ancient and uncool (life is confusing; a manual would come in handy). It's funny how teen girls virtually lose their marbles over Justin Bieber, that's kind of how parents get when you ask them about certain things e.g. love, relationships, sex. If you ask about sex, then they freak out and assume you are having sex. You will get the mother of all lectures, you'll be lucky if they don't hit you on the head with a Bible and start following you like the FBI. Waiting until they (kids) are old enough really doesn't work because as the world evolves each generation starts doing things such as having sex at an earlier age. Sex sells, it's in the music we listen to, the movies we watch and the advertisements that are in our face. Hormones and puberty are confusing so a little guidance is definitely needed, and I say that from experience. As an uncle and someone's father-to-be, I am frightened by the prospect of having to explain the birds and the bees. Thank God schools still have the "My future is my choice" programme; that saved me from having to explain it to my sisters. No matter how hard you try to avoid it as a parent/aunt or uncle/guardian/older sibling, the birds and the bees conversation will have to happen. Honestly speaking; some things in life are just better advised by souls that are older and wiser and not friends who are just as confused as you are. So until next time, stay out of trouble and Sex for Dummies (the book) has saved many a hopeless parent (thank me later).