Leaps and bounds in five years

I’ve always had this effortless ability to just keep moving, many a time, not for the better... determined not to feel all the time, to guard my emotions and keep it all together, even when things around me fall apart. Sometimes I would move off a cliff, with no one to cushion the blow, but I would convince myself that the bruises inflicted by life’s punches and my own inability to stop and think, would simply make me stronger, wiser and unafraid to fight for what I believe and need. It was my way of navigating life. I was convinced I didn’t need anyone and that I could do it all on my own. And for a long time I could. But as I grew older, (I’ll be hitting 25 soon), I became much more emotional, much less guarded and probably way too vulnerable. And for a long time I’ve struggled with this new me. I was convinced that those who love me, or at least those whom I wanted to love me, loved me because of who I was; strong, fearless, sheltered, but also carefree. However, I’ve come to realise that I am here, now, and that the inner conflict about who I am and I wish I was still, is tiring and robs me of a chance to really be the best me. This new realisation might have slightly been influenced by Adele’s Hello as well as endless Greys’ Anatomy episodes, (you’d be amazed at the life lessons you get from Greys’ Anatomy), but it is still one which I am happy to share. I’ve learned I can’t make up for lost time. I can’t take back some of the words I said, which I wish I didn’t. I know now that there are things I didn’t do and things I wish I had done. And in the process, I’ve lost people I love, hurt people I love. I can’t undo the bad judgements. We were always taught that part of healing making right by the people you’ve hurt, but I’ve also realised that the reason I’ve repeated some of my mistakes is because I haven’t owned up to many of them and in the process, I’ve failed to make up with myself, for choosing to be less of the person I should have been. I’d like to believe that with this whole new sense of responsibility for my past action or inaction, I won’t in a few years stare at 30 and wish I had said or didn’t say certain things and did or didn’t do certain things. And so I know now that I’m not supposed to be the person I was five years ago, too much has happened since then. For now, I am about to turn 25. I cry a lot more, I much more honest about how I feel, I say I love you and mean it. And it’s okay. Change is good. [email protected]