I am a wealthy man - my own way

22 December 2017 | Opinion

If you ever thought Africa had a deficit of acting talent – think again! The ‘black’ African soil has surely produced some of the world’s finest actors and actresses. Hands Down!

No, I am not referring to the likes of Arnold Vosloo and Charlize Theron.

I am referring to the plain ‘Jane’, or as in this case – plain ‘Johns’ who would go out of their way to prove their perceived superiority and intelligence to all and sundry. The motive: to win the affection of a woman.

Their modus operandi might appear simple to the untrained eye, however, it is a carefully orchestrated and foul proof method, at least for a while. The trick is to get into a personality that would surely arouse the interest of the woman concerned.

For instance, if she is into bankers and economists - you become one of Namibia’s sought after economist. It’s not that simple though – you have to do some ground breaking research on basic fiscal terminology and jargons and find out about latest interest rates from the central bank.

If you have one of those names named after your grandparents, like Estalimentaline for a Herero, or Shifinalonginyamwe if you hail from the north – lose it. Trust me; the woman would suffocate trying to say your name in a fit of anger…or passion!

Once the opportunity arises to meet the woman, you offer to take your boss’ Mercedes Benz for a wash and pitch up at the woman’s place in it. Once outside her flat’s door, and after making sure she is watching from the window, you grab your new Nokia Dual-Sim cell phone (which you borrowed from a wealthier friend), and start ‘talking’ on it.

It does not really matter what you say on the phone, as long as you throw large figures on the balance of payment surplus and comment on the raging economic meltdown. Oh, don’t forget to remind your ‘secretary’ on the other end of the phone to hold all your calls for the next hour, as you do not want to be disturbed. That is guaranteed to keep you in her good books for a while.

?Try to remain ‘modest’ during the conversation with the woman. If she goes like “Wow, so you studied at Harvard...?” You can interject by saying;

“Actually No...I turned Harvard down. The timing of the studies came at a time when my country needed my services in drafting a turn-around strategy for our fiscal policy amid global speculations that emerging markets stand to lose out on direct-foreign investments as a result of a slowdown in the demand for the country’s exports. So, I had to turn them down in the interest of my country...”

Also, make sure you throw in some tad-bits from history or go the trivial route, something like “...more people are killed each year from bees than from snakes and it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.”

Well, that usually gets the brother going for a while before the woman invites him to dinner to meet her father – the governor of the central Bank.

If your boss does not own a Merc, take your boss’ boss car. What, he too does not own one? Then quit – you will be better off working at the counter of Casa Branka For You and Me Shebeen.

For those of us not lucky to land an office job, just present her with whatever is in abundance at your work place. For instance, If you work in a bakery - take her bread for her school kids every day. Trust me; bread is an expensive commodity in this world.

I have to admit, acting out such a role requires more takes than shooting a Hollywood blockbuster. Of course the golden rule still applies - don’t get caught. If you do, you didn’t hear it from me.

Until then...

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