How to get through month-end bills

12 January 2018 | Columns

I love my friends and really care for them but when it comes to month-end, the only friend I care about is God! Yeah, God is the only friend I keep during the month-end weekend and, if luck has it, for the week after that too.

Whoever said trouble can knock you down to your knees and force you to pray, probably had month-end in mind.

Month-end is like a partner in love - you miss her so much when you are apart, yet when you are together you wish you never met her in the first place! Yeah, you all know what I am talking about – you know that moment when you notice for the first time that he has a hunchback after spending close to a year with him?

I don’t know how you get through the animal call month-end, but I have my own unique and tested ways. The golden rule, of cause, is to avoid spending money you do not have. If they label people like that in the community where you come from, take the new name with pride.

I mean, I am called a ‘successful failure’ by the three stooges – the group of ladies that think they are the most complete invention after sliced bread – but I wear the name with pride!

When a ‘friend’ calls and all indications are that he intends asking for money - be the first one to ask for money, even if you don’t really need it. You know, if he goes like “Eish, my friend I have a serious problem… you know what happened…. Eish, I am in big trouble…” - all indications are that he intends asking for money and just wants to be diplomatic in his approach.

Dear friends, there is no harm in saying ‘NO’ to someone who expects you to have money to lend him - even if he gets paid on the same date as you.

Any bearded, huge white man wearing khaki shorts and carrying a cardboard entering your office is bad news. Ever heard of the term ‘Messenger of the Court‘? You would be unlucky if you spot him too late, else you could change your name to that of a non-existent person.

It is actually simple to come up with such a name. You see, in Namibia for instance you could connect a name popular with one tribe with a surname known to belong to another tribe - something like Tangeni Tjivikua, or Veenda Haimbodi.

The trick is even more foolproof when applied over the phone. When a person phones your office and struggles to pronounce your name, chances are he too wears khaki shorts - say you are not in the office! Something like “… who? Charles… oh I am sorry, he is not in the office…this is David Mosimane speaking!”

If Mary, Susan or Tussy phone out of the blue and agree on that date you had asked her around the tenth of last month, turn her down. Chances are she would suggest you rent DVDs and watch the movies from home.

Next she would place her monthly groceries tag on you - all in the name of ‘… snacks while we watch the movie…’. If that fails, she would make sure she orders more than what her small tummy can take so that she carries the rest home in a ‘doggy bag’.

Also, avoid spanning your net of conquest around month-end; dates do not come cheap around this time. Rather take her out around the 15th of the month; she will take anything you offer her.

And don’t believe the hype around bargains. It is only a bargain if it is for free and you can take it home immediately! It is not a bargain if you never needed it in the first place.

Forget about all that gold that seems to glitter when you look at the bargain; it is

all superficial. Trust me, sales people are professionally trained to have the unparalleled ability to sell ice to an Eskimo.

Also, if you can’t afford the car’s fuel, simply walk - people who see you along the way will think you are merely walking for fitness purpose.

At least that’s how we do it in the hood.

Until then…

[email protected]

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