How to beat ‘Januworry’ blues

There comes a time in everybody’s life when you are down and out and desperately need a shoulder to cry on, and January will be such a time.

We never learn, every year it is the same thing, spend like crazy over December and starve like a man in January. Allow me, in the spirit of giving and loving, to share with you these tips on how to beat the ‘Januworry’.

Oh, by the way, the following tips have not been sanctioned by the Bank of Namibia. Or to put it more bluntly – use them at your own risk. As a consolation, though, I tried them and am still standing.

There is an age-old trick I inherited from my grandma. I never quite got it back then when as a toddler, she explained it to me. Now that I am older and more irresponsible, I thank her silently every time I use it.

It’s pretty simple – separate the big cows from the small ones. Ja, I know – typical of my Herero grandma to explain everything with illustrations of cattle.

Anyway, all she meant is to have one of those big Nestlé baby powder tins and use it to collect all the coins also referred to as small change by rich people and throw them in there.

It doesn’t matter the denomination, just collect them all and store them in there for dry days. As for the notes, well just spend them all. That is why you wake up every morning to go to work isn’t it? Get a family feast ‘bucket’ from KFC or something.

Oh, one more thing, remember how you are always left with N$19.98 in your bank account and how it frustrates the hell out of you that you are not able withdraw that last 10 bucks? Well, due to the advent of technology it is now possible, although it requires a bit of work.

All you have to do is ‘zula’ N$2.00 from your friends, go over to the nearest bank and deposit it. Your balance will now read N$22.13. Oh yeah, now you can withdraw your last N$20.00 and you will live happily ever after.

For the trick to work effectively, you gotta be fast. In fact, rather send someone else to do the deposit while you wait by the ATM. Maintain eye contact at all times and you will know when it has been deposited, otherwise the bank will beat you to it.

As for airtime, don’t fret about it. Simply text all your phonebook contacts with the following message “Hi, 2 dollar pls dear”. It works like a bomb all the time. If you are as popular as those ladies that do this to some of us a day after the first date, you are bound to walk away with at least N$150.80.

If all fails, run to the nearest mobile phone shop and get one of those starter packs. I mean they cost less than ten bucks but could save you way more than that. Use that as your new number until the next pay period.

If the dude at mobile home refuses to sell you the starter pack (believe me, they know the trick now), call the nearest journalist you can get hold of, the rest will be history.

If FurnMart calls looking for the money you promised last year to pay ‘tomorrow’, simply adopt a Chinese accent or answer with “Mondesa Mortuary and Funeral Services, how may I help you?

That ought to do the trick; trust me, we may all want to go to heaven but no one wants to die.


Lastly, memorise the following list of specials at fast food places during the course of the week; Tuesday – ‘Tuesday Two’ at Hungry Lion, Wednesday – ‘Wacky Wednesday’ at Wimpy. Simply pop in and have yourself a bargain to save those hard-earned notes.

If that too fails, then you have got to adopt a new moniker for the rest of the month. Ja, I have been Nanguariovanndu Cloete for over two weeks now and it works like a charm.

By the way, do you believe in unicorns, fairies and all that fuss about who really composed the Namibian national anthem? No wonder you believed everything I have written in this column.

Until then…

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