From East Africa, with engineering lessons!

Comrades, cancel the fireworks for the grand re-opening of Sam Nujoma Stadium. Put the champagne back in the fridge. And tell Dino Ballotti to stop practising his ribbon-cutting speech.

The Bianca Brenda Wambui lady that the Confederation of African Football (CAF) sent to Windhoek this week has left us gobsmacked. Apparently, every single piece of work that has taken place at the stadium so far is wrong.

Yes, you heard that right – wrong!

Apparently, the guys in the plastic helmets have been sleeping on site. The engineering is apparently so bad that some spectators would have a skewed view because the local engineers placed concrete walls in front of some seats.

Instead of watching Namibia smashing Nigeria, you’d be staring at a wall barricaded in front of you. Apparently, some of our engineers have been operating under the principle that football is best enjoyed acoustically.

You don’t necessarily need to see the match. You can hear the crowd screaming.

We want Brenda Wambui out of town before sunset. How dare she come here to dash our hopes and dreams? The entire nation was told Sam Nujoma Stadium would host matches very soon, then Wambui came to Windhoek and told us, indirectly, that we might have to flatten the whole stadium to ashes and start afresh.

Brutal, Bianca, brutal!

She said our VIP facilities are basically rubbish. You can’t have Barry Rukoro being hit with beer bottles from the nearby stand because he insulted Wambos on Facebook the previous night.

Because, you know, a Barry Facebook post is incomplete without accusing northerners of one felony or another. Apparently, they want to capture soccer. And their cattle survive on cardboard boxes and nylon.

As a former secretary-general of the NFA, Barry is a VIP and must be protected from the Wambos!

But Bianca was not done.

She also had issues with the location of the spectator toilets. Remember, this facility is in Katutura, where people eat anything – from poorly prepared cattle hoof and tripe to drinking ombike made from old car tyres.

The toilets must therefore stay as far away from the general spectator population as humanly possible.

She also raised red flags about the fact that players, VIPs and other high-profile guests will use the same gate.

Imagine a Namibian Arsenal supporter coming into close proximity with Manchester City’s Antoine Semenyo. Fists would be traded. Chairs would fly. Somebody’s mother would be called.

And Namibia doesn’t want to become the crime scene of one of those bloodied encounters where football megastars lose their teeth in Katutura.

Can you imagine explaining to FIFA that Semenyo lost two incisors because a Brave Warriors supporter thought his Manchester City shirt was an act of provocation?

No, comrades. We cannot have that.

At the end of Bianca’s earful, it was clear as daylight that we had been lied to. Or that Namibian engineers must return to Hifikepunye Pohamba campus for a refresher course.

These blokes are working on a stadium for Chula Chula matches, not the Brave Warriors.

CAF will never approve a stadium with the foul smell of digested cloven hoof wafting from a a poorly ventilated toilet. Nor will it approve one that does not adequately protect Barry from being pelted with Windhoek Draft cans by irate Wambos.

So, comrades, perhaps we should stop talking about inaugurating Sam Nujoma Stadium and start talking about demolishing it. Bring the bulldozers. Bring actual engineers. Bring Bianca back.

Because at this rate, Sam Nujoma Stadium will only be ready in 2036. If Bianca approves!