Surviving rape: Changed but stronger

Henriette Lamprecht – Nobody expects someone they trust to hurt them.

Lisa* had known John* for two years and had been to parties with him many times. Being the mischievous teenager she was, she once snuck out on a Sunday night to go out with friends. They were fetched in John’s car and went out for a few beers. She didn’t drink much, she recalls.

“I was tipsy at most. He, however, had drunk quite a large amount.”

At the end of the evening, John offered to take her and another friend home.

“He dropped the other friend off first, took me somewhere secluded and attacked me in his car.”

Lisa froze, she says, out of fear and surprise. She feared John would hurt her afterwards, but he proceeded to drive her home where he dropped her off and left.

“I went to my room and was up for school Monday morning. I acted as if nothing had happened and carried on with my week, keeping a huge secret.”

Days went by before Lisa had a huge fight with a friend at school. She broke down and was sent to the counsellor’s office.

“She was the first person I told and she pushed me to tell my mother that same day. My mom took me back to see the counsellor again and after that she took me to the police station to get a rape form.”

Lisa went to her family doctor who examined her – only to find out later it had to be done by a government-appointed doctor. She had to go through the examination again. From there she was sent to a female officer to give her statement.

“The examinations and process of giving statements was a tediously painful process and made it harder to forget the attack. I can’t really recall how or when we told the rest of my family, because it’s been so long since I’ve thought about the details that my mind seems to have pushed them out.”

Getting the right help can be a really difficult process and can take a lot of time, Lisa says.

“It’s about finding the right combination of remedies for you as an individual and keeping your family aware of your feelings. The worst thing to do is to keep things bottled up, because it can cause outbursts aimed at family, which changes the family dynamic.”

Experiencing this kind of trauma changes one in many ways, she says.

One becomes less trusting, more paranoid and prone to nightmares and even hallucinations.

“It can be like living with a mentally ill person for the first few months to years, but over time and through understanding I was able to get through it with my family right behind me to push me forward.”

Lisa says she was a wreck in every possible way, seeing her attacker everywhere and hearing voices she couldn’t understand. Suicide felt like the only solution, and the antiretroviral treatment to prevent HIV made her ill.

“It’s like you’re grey and lifeless, dragging yourself along and never experiencing interest in anything or feeling any excitement. It’s finding it physically difficult to get out of bed to go to the bathroom. It’s feeling like being a burden on your family and being upset about being that burden. It’s like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, but never reaching the bottom. If you’re as lucky as I am, you have a family that makes a rope out of bed sheets and jumps in after you.”

When people used to say time heals, it would make Lisa sigh and say “whatever”.

Today she knows time perhaps doesn’t heal, but at least it teaches one how to lead a normal life – even if it is with a tiny stone in one’s shoe.

Lisa has bad days now and then, but most days are good or average at worst.

The rape is mostly furthest from her mind.

“It’s been five years since the attack and I’m able to go days without thinking about it. Sometimes it’s good to think about it though, because it allows me to share my story and possibly help others.”

Her greatest and most useful coping mechanism is talking to her family and spending time with them and her friends. She sees a psychologist when she feels she really needs to, and speaks to people she trusts when she’s having a bad day.

Lisa loves listening to music that gives her goosebumps.

“I still suffer from social anxiety that I doubt will ever truly go away, but I try to ignore it to the best of my abilities. I’m definitely very safety conscious and carrying around a can of pepper spray wherever I go is my way of dealing with leaving the safety of my home.”

The Lisa of before is not the same Lisa as now. Today she is mentally and emotionally much stronger, more weary, slow to trust and much more of a lone wolf than before.

“I guess knowing I can trust myself only means it’s the place I feel safest.”

Lisa managed to get a full scholarship to embark on the studies of her dreams, despite almost failing grade 11.

If sharing her story can help one individual through a similar experience, or to finally report an attacker or speak out, then her mission is accomplished.

“That’s how we start making the world a better place. That’s how we start getting better.”

Lisa’s advice to people in similar circumstances is to just keep getting out of bed every morning.

“Honestly, that is the hardest part of the day. Get up and face your demons. Each day gets easier and you become stronger and may even have a good day or meet someone who makes you laugh.”

Listening is the best one can do for someone going through similar trauma. Respect their need for space, but also be watchful. Look for signs of depression and find a process that works for the whole family, Lisa says.

*Not their real names