Put a ring on it

Over the years, the use of a promise ring has slowed as morality expands its boundaries and the practice has all but died out in modern society.

Only a handful of Namibians know of the practice and even fewer are aware of the difference between a promise, purity and an engagement ring.

The definition of a promise ring varies between couples, but promise rings are widely used as a symbol of commitment leading to marriage.

A purity ring, on the other hand, symbolises a religious vow to practice abstinence until marriage.

Both were fashionable at a time when sex was seen to be limited to marriage and marriage was seen as the eventual outcome of any relationship.

Pastor Mike Amy from the Experience Koi Church in Windhoek says to “fully understand the difference between the promise, purity and engagement rings, one needs to take it back to the basics.”

He added although there may be a lot of stages or steps before receiving a wedding ring, it “should serve as the ultimate goal upon receiving a promise ring.”

The ring is an important symbol.

“The wedding ring is a symbol of your unending love for someone. The ring is the symbol of their love for, and commitment to, each other. In relation to the engagement ring, one needs to understand that these are all manmade concepts. If you are entering a period of engagement, it will result in intense discussions on the future,” says Amy.

He is also of the opinion that promise, engagement or purity rings do not hold any weight until “you have made the big leap which is marriage.”



Faithfulness

As the name suggests, purity rings signify that a promise is being made to stay celibate until marriage and Amy feels it would be a good practice to bring it back as it would benefit the church and the congregation at large.

Admitting that it will not be the easiest task to do, he also added that these rings would not stop anyone from engaging in pre-marital sex as the “ring may just be a piece of metal to you”.

“The ring signifies your intentions, but whatever your moral compass is and the decision you have made internally is what you are going to keep,” Amy adds.

He says programmes to bring purity rings back into churches would be difficult as morality has shifted.

“It was taboo to have pre-marital sex and nowadays, being a virgin is synonymous to being crazy. This is a result of the media as they glorify the concept of sex before marriage.”

He added when you accept a promise ring from your partner it should also be accompanied with terms and conditions, guidelines and set deadlines.



Commitment

The promise ring is in essence, an early engagement ring.

Jolokeni Nakale, an employee at a local jewellery store in Windhoek, said they do not usually get requests from men wanting to purchase promise rings, but it does happen.

“About 60% of men come with their partner looking for a ring, and the remaining 40% is men who come alone,” she says.

According to Nakale, rings in their stores start at N$1 500 and can retail for up to N$30 000.

It appears as only a few of our youth believe in promise rings and the rest stand by the fact “rings are not respected anymore”.

Local radio personality Jean-Claude Nazarii believes in them and intends on keeping his side of the promise. However, not all think this way.

“If you are going to be good to me and treat me right, why waste it with a promise ring?” asked Mildred Makgone, a student in Windhoek.

Others think it is old-fashioned and in these times of feminism and women's rights, the ultimate goal of a young girl should not be to marry.



Equality

Rosa Namises, human rights activist and the director of Woman Solidarity Namibia, agrees.

She believes promise rings are derived from Western cultural practices, but similar techniques are also present in Namibian cultures.

“In the Damara culture, a young man would present you with a traditional necklace or bracelet made with beads during courtship. This symbol serves as an interest this man has in you and it is not usually taken off unless you are not interested. This practice, however, died out and it is not done today anymore.”

In the Aawambo culture, it is said a palm leaf was tied around a young woman's body by an interested partner and if she kept it on, she was interested.

Namises says Namibian women still view marriage as an accomplishment, which in turn results in them wanting to receive promise rings.

“Our country has a lot of cases of domestic and gender-based violence and this is mostly present in relationships – whether married or not. This is all because women do not want to be alone and seek praise being with someone although the relationship is toxic,” Namises points out.

“Promise rings can have a positive impact by causing men to take charge of the relationship, but then again, a promise ring can plant a seed into a woman's mind of a sense of security which is a bad thing as women should not have to feel this way. Self-empowerment is the first step to leading your life in a positive direction.”

Asked what the Namibian society, including the country's education strategies, should focus on in order to ensure girls and women are taught gender equality, Namises said educating girls from a young age is important.

“It should be part of the Life Skills curriculum and home education is also vital. Churches should move away from shaming sex topics in church and speak to the youth about these issues head-on.”



TUNOHOLE MUNGOBA