• Home
  • COLUMNS
  • Namibian funerals - the new catwalk ramps

Namibian funerals - the new catwalk ramps

Life in the hood has never been easy. Ask anyone who grew up here and you will hear almost the same story – abusive bullies, detention at school for arriving late, and crushes on teachers – the list is endless. Oh yeah, we all had crushes on our primary school teachers, and would jealously guard her handbag, chalk and that ruler she used on our fingers if we failed to comply with her commands. If the ‘romance’ with our teacher fails to take off, because her boyfriend keeps pitching up with some stupid Valentine’s flowers or an expensive gift – we simply abandon ship and take on a new conquest. Once the opportunity arises, you fix an appointment with your love interest, only for her to postpone the ‘verdict’ to 12 January 2017. And you still wait for that day! Ja, those were the days. I remember meeting Ndeshihafela ‘D-Girl’ Shivute at the central point between our two homes – the cemetery – at midnight every night. This was because we both had to wait for our parents to retire to bed before embarking on the journey to meet. As one grows and starts your fist job, however, your main priority is to do your best to get your family out of poverty - that at least is the ultimate noble goal. In the meantime, however, you do your best to get your hands on the latest technological devices: spinning rims on your Toyota Conquest, and a HI-FI system with a massive sound output. You see, my friends, these are all things that were denied you and it only serves you right that you make up for the absence. The best part of having such gadgets is showing them off, if and when the opportunity presents itself. Of late, however, the men and women from the hood have found innovative ways to create an opportunity to showcase their goodies – at funerals. The methodology is fairly simple: inquire from friends and family if there is any funeral planned for the upcoming weekend, choose the one that appears to have the most potential to attract the elite – and you are set! Once at the event, make sure your outfit stands out from the rest of the mourners (a pink suit or dress usually comes in handy). You would do well to raise your voice when mourning, just to make sure your presence is felt. Whenever people start looking in your direction, take out your cellphone from your pocket or handbag as if you thought you heard it ring. This should complete ‘Mission Reveal Cellphone’. I am reliably informed that the same routine is repeated for the bracelet, necklace and watch. Be the one to calm others down – when someone falls to the ground, rush over there and pour a lot of suikerwater down their throats. People would refer to you as the ‘kind one’, and the uncles sitting around would make comments like, “Don’t you want me to marry you to my son? He has a lot of cows!” Think a classic scene in a Steven Seagal movie, where he approaches the camera in slow motion, with shirt unbuttoned and carrying the almost lifeless body of Chi Cha Liu – the daughter of an ‘old’ friend he had promised to take care of.? Lined up neatly along the road would be people – supposedly the human race – waving and ululating in appreciation. Ja, the hero has returned! Roll end credits. Oh, another thing – make sure you invite the cream of the crop as far as the mourners are concerned for a small ‘finger lunch’ (which you had already arranged to get on credit, in return for secretly cleaning the restaurant manager’s yard). It’s called a gentlemen’s agreement.? Trust me, these tips have been tried and tested and are definitely bound to get you all the respect you deserve. Until then… [email protected]

Comments

Namibian Sun 2024-03-28

No comments have been left on this article

Please login to leave a comment

Katima Mulilo: 19° | 37° Rundu: 17° | 33° Eenhana: 18° | 33° Oshakati: 20° | 31° Ruacana: 19° | 33° Tsumeb: 17° | 29° Otjiwarongo: 16° | 28° Omaruru: 18° | 31° Windhoek: 17° | 28° Gobabis: 17° | 28° Henties Bay: 16° | 19° Wind speed: 24km/h, Wind direction: S, Low tide: 10:54, High tide: 04:57, Low Tide: 22:58, High tide: 17:16 Swakopmund: 15° | 17° Wind speed: 29km/h, Wind direction: SW, Low tide: 10:52, High tide: 04:55, Low Tide: 22:56, High tide: 17:14 Walvis Bay: 16° | 22° Wind speed: 33km/h, Wind direction: SW, Low tide: 10:52, High tide: 04:54, Low Tide: 22:56, High tide: 17:13 Rehoboth: 18° | 29° Mariental: 22° | 32° Keetmanshoop: 21° | 34° Aranos: 21° | 31° Lüderitz: 15° | 29° Ariamsvlei: 23° | 34° Oranjemund: 15° | 21° Luanda: 27° | 30° Gaborone: 20° | 32° Lubumbashi: 17° | 24° Mbabane: 15° | 23° Maseru: 12° | 28° Antananarivo: 16° | 27° Lilongwe: 17° | 29° Maputo: 20° | 28° Windhoek: 17° | 28° Cape Town: 17° | 23° Durban: 21° | 25° Johannesburg: 18° | 28° Dar es Salaam: 26° | 32° Lusaka: 18° | 30° Harare: 15° | 31° Currency: GBP to NAD 23.97 | EUR to NAD 20.51 | CNY to NAD 2.63 | USD to NAD 19.04 | DZD to NAD 0.14 | AOA to NAD 0.02 | BWP to NAD 1.33 | EGP to NAD 0.39 | KES to NAD 0.14 | NGN to NAD 0.01 | ZMW to NAD 0.74 | ZWL to NAD 0.04 | BRL to NAD 3.8 | RUB to NAD 0.2 | INR to NAD 0.23 | USD to DZD 134.13 | USD to AOA 832.63 | USD to BWP 13.71 | USD to EGP 47.3 | USD to KES 130.98 | USD to NGN 1415.13 | USD to ZAR 19.03 | USD to ZMW 24.97 | USD to ZWL 321 | Stock Exchange: JSE All Share Index 73909.5 Up +0.41% | Namibian Stock Exchange (NSX) Overall Index 1516.02 Down -0.13% | Casablanca Stock Exchange (CSE) MASI 12981.98 Up +0.34% | Egyptian Exchange (EGX) 30 Index 28224.37 Down -2.87% | Botswana Stock Exchange (BSE) DCI Same 0 | NSX: MTC 7.75 SAME | Anirep 8.99 SAME | Capricorn Investment group 17.34 SAME | FirstRand Namibia Ltd 49 DOWN 0.50% | Letshego Holdings (Namibia) Ltd 4.1 UP 2.50% | Namibia Asset Management Ltd 0.7 SAME | Namibia Breweries Ltd 31.49 UP 0.03% | Nictus Holdings - Nam 2.22 SAME | Oryx Properties Ltd 12.1 UP 1.70% | Paratus Namibia Holdings 11.99 SAME | SBN Holdings 8.45 SAME | Trustco Group Holdings Ltd 0.48 SAME | B2Gold Corporation 47.34 DOWN 1.50% | Local Index closed 677.62 UP 0.12% | Overall Index closed 1534.6 DOWN 0.05% | Osino Resources Corp 19.47 DOWN 2.41% | Commodities: Gold US$ 2 212.55/OZ UP +1.00% | Copper US$ 3.97/lb DOWN -0.0038 | Zinc US$ 2 439.40/T DOWN -0.7% | Brent Crude Oil US$ 87.21/BBP UP +0.95% | Platinum US$ 897.74/OZ UP +0.32% Sport results: Weather: Katima Mulilo: 19° | 37° Rundu: 17° | 33° Eenhana: 18° | 33° Oshakati: 20° | 31° Ruacana: 19° | 33° Tsumeb: 17° | 29° Otjiwarongo: 16° | 28° Omaruru: 18° | 31° Windhoek: 17° | 28° Gobabis: 17° | 28° Henties Bay: 16° | 19° Wind speed: 24km/h, Wind direction: S, Low tide: 10:54, High tide: 04:57, Low Tide: 22:58, High tide: 17:16 Swakopmund: 15° | 17° Wind speed: 29km/h, Wind direction: SW, Low tide: 10:52, High tide: 04:55, Low Tide: 22:56, High tide: 17:14 Walvis Bay: 16° | 22° Wind speed: 33km/h, Wind direction: SW, Low tide: 10:52, High tide: 04:54, Low Tide: 22:56, High tide: 17:13 Rehoboth: 18° | 29° Mariental: 22° | 32° Keetmanshoop: 21° | 34° Aranos: 21° | 31° Lüderitz: 15° | 29° Ariamsvlei: 23° | 34° Oranjemund: 15° | 21° Luanda: 27° | 30° Gaborone: 20° | 32° Lubumbashi: 17° | 24° Mbabane: 15° | 23° Maseru: 12° | 28° Antananarivo: 16° | 27° Lilongwe: 17° | 29° Maputo: 20° | 28° Windhoek: 17° | 28° Cape Town: 17° | 23° Durban: 21° | 25° Johannesburg: 18° | 28° Dar es Salaam: 26° | 32° Lusaka: 18° | 30° Harare: 15° | 31° Economic Indicators: Currency: GBP to NAD 23.97 | EUR to NAD 20.51 | CNY to NAD 2.63 | USD to NAD 19.04 | DZD to NAD 0.14 | AOA to NAD 0.02 | BWP to NAD 1.33 | EGP to NAD 0.39 | KES to NAD 0.14 | NGN to NAD 0.01 | ZMW to NAD 0.74 | ZWL to NAD 0.04 | BRL to NAD 3.8 | RUB to NAD 0.2 | INR to NAD 0.23 | USD to DZD 134.13 | USD to AOA 832.63 | USD to BWP 13.71 | USD to EGP 47.3 | USD to KES 130.98 | USD to NGN 1415.13 | USD to ZAR 19.03 | USD to ZMW 24.97 | USD to ZWL 321 | Stock Exchange: JSE All Share Index 73909.5 Up +0.41% | Namibian Stock Exchange (NSX) Overall Index 1516.02 Down -0.13% | Casablanca Stock Exchange (CSE) MASI 12981.98 Up +0.34% | Egyptian Exchange (EGX) 30 Index 28224.37 Down -2.87% | Botswana Stock Exchange (BSE) DCI Same 0 | NSX: MTC 7.75 SAME | Anirep 8.99 SAME | Capricorn Investment group 17.34 SAME | FirstRand Namibia Ltd 49 DOWN 0.50% | Letshego Holdings (Namibia) Ltd 4.1 UP 2.50% | Namibia Asset Management Ltd 0.7 SAME | Namibia Breweries Ltd 31.49 UP 0.03% | Nictus Holdings - Nam 2.22 SAME | Oryx Properties Ltd 12.1 UP 1.70% | Paratus Namibia Holdings 11.99 SAME | SBN Holdings 8.45 SAME | Trustco Group Holdings Ltd 0.48 SAME | B2Gold Corporation 47.34 DOWN 1.50% | Local Index closed 677.62 UP 0.12% | Overall Index closed 1534.6 DOWN 0.05% | Osino Resources Corp 19.47 DOWN 2.41% | Commodities: Gold US$ 2 212.55/OZ UP +1.00% | Copper US$ 3.97/lb DOWN -0.0038 | Zinc US$ 2 439.40/T DOWN -0.7% | Brent Crude Oil US$ 87.21/BBP UP +0.95% | Platinum US$ 897.74/OZ UP +0.32%