January 2011

You are a wonderful man and Auntie applauds you. There are not many men that take responsibility in our country and it gives me a warm feeling to see that there are still true men out there that stand up and do the right thing. I think you should consider very honestly your own feelings in this matter. How do you feel about this girl? It is important that you realise that you can be involved with your child without having a love relationship with the mother. You don’t have to be in a relationship with the mother just because you feel obligated. The choice is yours but remember that the wellbeing of the child is always the first responsibility.

Why don’t you just ignore her? People that have such low self-esteem that they have to keep themselves busy badmouthing other people is not worth spending your time and energy on. I’m sure that if she sees that she does not get any response from you she will soon stop spreading rumours about you. Never lower yourself to her level but just quietly go about your own business. Petty people deserve to be ignored.

Sex during menstruation is a matter of personal preference and cultural beliefs. Medically, it is safe to have sex during your period as long as you don’t use it as a ticket to have unprotected sex. There can actually be benefits, for instance sex may help relieve pre- or postmenstrual symptoms if you get an orgasm as the endorphins released during an orgasm are natural painkillers and mood lifters, which can allay cramps, headaches, mild depression, and irritability associated with periods. Some women also claim to enjoy sex more when they are menstruating because of the feelings of fullness in the pelvic and genital areas. There is nothing dirty about it and contact with menstrual fluid will not cause any injury or irritation to the penis. There is no risk of injury to the uterus either. Unlike what you may have read or heard, the cervix, or the mouth of the uterus does not open up wide to let out menstrual blood. There is no risk of the penis getting pushed into the uterus while having sex during menstruation. There are some risks involved in having sex during menstruation, for instance the likelihood of an HIV-infected woman passing the infection to her male partner is higher during her periods, while a woman’s chances of contracting an infection, (like herpes) from her male partner, are higher during her periods. Sex during menstruation puts a woman at higher risk of pelvic inflammatory disease and yeast or bacterial infections like candidiasis or bacterial vaginosis because the vagina’s pH balance during menstruation is less acidic. With adequate precautions, sex during menstruation can be enjoyable. It’s advisable to use contraception, preferably a condom, as it will prevent transmission of infections and also protect you against any chances of pregnancy. Remember to remove your tampon before having sex! Having said all of this, if you feel you are really uncomfortable with this, then tell your boyfriend how you feel.

Unfortunately you don’t mention your gender but I’m guessing that you are a woman as men have difficulty admitting that they have a problem and asking for help. When you have problems with sex, doctors call it “sexual dysfunction” and both men and women can have it. There are four kinds of sexual problems in women namely desire disorders - when you are not interested in having sex or have less desire for sex than you used to; arousal disorders - when you don’t feel a sexual response in your body or you cannot stay sexually aroused; orgasmic disorders - when you can’t have an orgasm or you have pain during orgasm and sexual pain disorders - when you have pain during or after sex. Many things can cause problems in your sex life such as certain medicines (such as oral contraceptives and chemotherapy drugs), diseases (such as diabetes or high blood pressure), excessive alcohol use or vaginal infections can cause sexual problems. Depression, relationship problems or abuse (current or past abuse) can also cause sexual dysfunction. The stresses of everyday life can also affect your ability to have sex. Being tired from a busy job or caring for young children may affect your sexual desire or you may also be bored by a long-standing sexual routine. If desire is the problem, try changing your usual routine by having sex at different times of the day, or try a different sexual position. Arousal disorders can often be helped if you use a vaginal cream or sexual lubricant for dryness. If you have a problem having an orgasm, you may not be getting enough foreplay or stimulation before actual intercourse begins. Extra stimulation (before you have sex with your partner) with a vibrator may be helpful. You might need rubbing or stimulation for up to an hour before having sex. Masturbation may also be helpful, as it can help you learn what techniques work best for you. If you’re having pain during sex, try different positions. When you are on top, you have more control over penetration and movement. Emptying your bladder before you have sex, using extra lubrication or taking a warm bath before sex may all help. If you still have pain during sex, talk to your doctor. He or she can help you find the cause of your pain and decide what treatment is best for you. Practice “sensate focus” exercises where one partner gives a massage, while the other partner says what feels good and requests changes (example: “lighter,” “faster,” etc). Fantasising may increase your desire. Squeezing the muscles of your vagina tightly (called Kegel exercises) and then relaxing them may also increase your arousal. Talk to your partner about what each of you like and dislike, or what you might want to try. Remember that your partner may not want to do some things you want to try, and you may not want to try what your partner wants. You should respect each other’s comforts and discomforts. This helps you and your partner have a good sexual relationship. If you feel you can’t talk to your partner, your doctor or a counsellor may be able to help you.